Tag: pain

Viewer Discretion is Advised…

At the risk of offending some,  I am going to address what is going on in the world between the police and African-American men. I was very hesitant to do so because honestly, there is enough bad news going around on the television and social media, who needs my two cents? But the weight of this issue has tripled and so I want to dedicate a post to all those who have fallen.

I am not a conspiracy theorist, in the least! In fact…those people actually annoy me. I remember growing up listening to my Dad conjure up his Pelican Briefs. Pelican Briefs being what I called every conspiracy that he spoke out loud. If the phone clicked in his ear while he was in the midst of a conversation… that meant the FBI had been listening in. If the Lakers got too many bad calls on them in a row… then the refs were working with the other team. And if a plane went down for any reason at all…Well… that was the CIA of course. I used to laugh and shake my head at him for believing that everything was so calculated. Things have gotten a lot less funny as I have gotten older.

When my father dedicated his life to Christ, there were still conspiracies, but now the enemy was the devil. “The devil don’t sleep!” he’d say “So you better say your prayers.” I think back on that fondly now, and if he was still here today prayers would be plentiful and he would have a whole brief about the way things have been going down for decades, but most blatantly since Trayvon Martin was slain. 

Since then there appears to be a wave of bodacious violent behavior against Black men. George Zimmerman, claimed to be a concerned citizen, which in my opinion was a very sheer cover up to the evil heart behind his actions. But these officers of the law, who are sworn to protect and serve, are supposed to know better. Who are you protecting and serving by executing a man for a fix-it ticket violation? Who are you protecting or serving by choking a man out on the street who is in distress and telling you that he can not breathe? And who do we protect and serve by shooting down an unarmed boy who stole a pack of cigarillos?  How is society made better by sending the message to a culture of people that their lives have no value? To me this does not seem like an  epidemic…its a pandemic. Its not episodic…and it is being further perpetuated by failure of consequences and the message is LOUD. If we treat them like animals, we can provoke them to respond like one.

These are not coincidences. These feel like plotted attacks against a people…my people. And while I stay away from the TV and the news feeds my heart is very heavy. My heart is heavy for the mothers, wives, sisters and brothers, children and loved ones of these victims. My heart is heavy for a generation of young black children and adolescents who can be here today and gone tomorrow because of the color of their skin and a black hoodie. My heart is heavy and my breathing labored as I raise not one, not two, but THREE sons in a time where there is a debate between #BlackLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter…how about LIFE matters…Because it does, no matter the color, but one color is currently under attack.

To handicap a people in society by killing their men publicly and ferociously and then giving their murderers administrative leave to investigate when there is VIDEO and AUDIO footage is also so very LOUD. It not only compromises the lives of civilians, but also the faithful and just law enforcers who share a badge, but not a prejudice. The tension this evokes is terminal and intentional in my opinion. I see these cops who are taking these charges as I see the suicide bombers of terrorism groups. This is a movement and it can not be ignored. The alarm needs to be rang, the security rating needs to move to RED, and killing needs to end. I am praying for my people, I am praying for people who truly protect and serve EVERYONE, I am praying for my SONS, and I am praying for this nation. Thanks for reading.

This is gonna hurt me, More than its gonna hurt you…

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that one as a kid.  As a child my Mom and Dad would pull out this line like a belt and use it as the preface to my many dreaded punishments. I NEVER believed them when they said “This gonna hurt me, MORE than its gonna hurt you!” How is that even possible? I come from a childhood of spankings instead of timeouts, chores instead of “Think about what you have done”, and writing standards (who remembers those??) instead of having a repetitive conversation.So tell me…How exactly is this hurting you Mom????

Well then I grew up…. and had 4 kids of my own… Wanna know the first time I actually understood this statement? It was when I took my first born to get his shots. He was the most adorable, happy, drooling and gurgling baby boy and then… BAM! His little chubby legs, that he hadn’t fully gained control of yet, were assaulted with vaccinations that he never saw coming. The look of horror that hit his face after that first stick was heartbreaking! And while I comforted him and rocked him, apologizing profusely for my part in this betrayal, I found myself explaining that this was painful for me too!

Did I just do that? Did I just tell this screaming baby that I was in pain too?  I flashed back to every time my parents said that to me.  And FINALLY…I got it. The pain associated with seeing your child in pain was…is…Palpable.

Four kids later and these shots never get easier for me. I took my 4 month old to the doctor just the other day and while we played and celebrated her growth milestones, I was so deeply saddened knowing that she too was about to feel the sting of betrayal. I whispered in her ears, “Mommy is so sorry. I am only doing this because I love you.” As the nurses came into the room, tears filled my eyes as my baby girl smiled up at me with this trusting gaze. It wasn’t long before we were both crying and the nurses gave us the room to recover. I rocked and sang her songs that I had just made up about a Mommy’s Love and before long she had drifted off.

We made it to the car without disturbing her slumber and I had to sit there for a moment and gather myself. How does this never get easier? What was I in for as they got older? A Mom of 3 boys there have been cavities, scrapped knees, head stitches (numerous),  even sedated MRI’s etc…I had endured it. All under my belt.

But what about the heartbreak? How did my mother handle it the first time I cried about kids being mean to me, or a boy I liked that didn’t like me back? How did my Dad watch me cry about things in life he knew I would just have to go thru, things he couldn’t control? Things he could not fix, things I would just had to feel.

I knew I was getting ahead of myself as I pictured my oldest bringing home a girl to meet me for the first time and I felt my lip lift in a growl. (The Momma Bear in me severely protective.) I don’t even remember driving home, but by the time I got there you would have thought I had run a marathon. I was so emotionally spent. Funny how your mind can get away from you and take your heart with it.

I know there are a lot of things to come that I can not control, and a lot of pain that I can not predict. Some of it is just mandatory growing pains. But boy oh boy do I dread it! I dread the days when my kids don’t want to talk to me any more or begin only telling half truths.

When they think I’m just too old to understand and start to rely on their friends for guidance. I even dread the “I Told You So’s” That are sure to come that I will want to do anything but celebrate.

But… I will always been there every step of the way. No matter what. Likely drinking coffee for the late nights and wine for the long days. Sometimes it does feel like this is gonna hurt me more, than its gonna hurt them. God help us all. Cheers!