This is gonna hurt me, More than its gonna hurt you…

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that one as a kid.  As a child my Mom and Dad would pull out this line like a belt and use it as the preface to my many dreaded punishments. I NEVER believed them when they said “This gonna hurt me, MORE than its gonna hurt you!” How is that even possible? I come from a childhood of spankings instead of timeouts, chores instead of “Think about what you have done”, and writing standards (who remembers those??) instead of having a repetitive conversation.So tell me…How exactly is this hurting you Mom????

Well then I grew up…. and had 4 kids of my own… Wanna know the first time I actually understood this statement? It was when I took my first born to get his shots. He was the most adorable, happy, drooling and gurgling baby boy and then… BAM! His little chubby legs, that he hadn’t fully gained control of yet, were assaulted with vaccinations that he never saw coming. The look of horror that hit his face after that first stick was heartbreaking! And while I comforted him and rocked him, apologizing profusely for my part in this betrayal, I found myself explaining that this was painful for me too!

Did I just do that? Did I just tell this screaming baby that I was in pain too?  I flashed back to every time my parents said that to me.  And FINALLY…I got it. The pain associated with seeing your child in pain was…is…Palpable.

Four kids later and these shots never get easier for me. I took my 4 month old to the doctor just the other day and while we played and celebrated her growth milestones, I was so deeply saddened knowing that she too was about to feel the sting of betrayal. I whispered in her ears, “Mommy is so sorry. I am only doing this because I love you.” As the nurses came into the room, tears filled my eyes as my baby girl smiled up at me with this trusting gaze. It wasn’t long before we were both crying and the nurses gave us the room to recover. I rocked and sang her songs that I had just made up about a Mommy’s Love and before long she had drifted off.

We made it to the car without disturbing her slumber and I had to sit there for a moment and gather myself. How does this never get easier? What was I in for as they got older? A Mom of 3 boys there have been cavities, scrapped knees, head stitches (numerous),  even sedated MRI’s etc…I had endured it. All under my belt.

But what about the heartbreak? How did my mother handle it the first time I cried about kids being mean to me, or a boy I liked that didn’t like me back? How did my Dad watch me cry about things in life he knew I would just have to go thru, things he couldn’t control? Things he could not fix, things I would just had to feel.

I knew I was getting ahead of myself as I pictured my oldest bringing home a girl to meet me for the first time and I felt my lip lift in a growl. (The Momma Bear in me severely protective.) I don’t even remember driving home, but by the time I got there you would have thought I had run a marathon. I was so emotionally spent. Funny how your mind can get away from you and take your heart with it.

I know there are a lot of things to come that I can not control, and a lot of pain that I can not predict. Some of it is just mandatory growing pains. But boy oh boy do I dread it! I dread the days when my kids don’t want to talk to me any more or begin only telling half truths.

When they think I’m just too old to understand and start to rely on their friends for guidance. I even dread the “I Told You So’s” That are sure to come that I will want to do anything but celebrate.

But… I will always been there every step of the way. No matter what. Likely drinking coffee for the late nights and wine for the long days. Sometimes it does feel like this is gonna hurt me more, than its gonna hurt them. God help us all. Cheers!